wanna go halves on a baby?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
