that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
