oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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