I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I pour the whiskey from now on
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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