After last night, I could never be a politician.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
