I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.