I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
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dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
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Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.