You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
