So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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