Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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