So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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