I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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