someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
