this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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