I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
