I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues