i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
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My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable