I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
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Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
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You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.