meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?