we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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