you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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