in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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