I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
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A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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