i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
