I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
