while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
