I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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