Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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