You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
