If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
