one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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