i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
