Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
