Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
