so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
