i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
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