Michael Bay diarrhea
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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