her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
