It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
