I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
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Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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