I just saw a hot homeless man
I want to make a zoo with you.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
