Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
