I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Randomize
