I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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