dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
