Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Well I just put wine in my tea
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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