Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
