we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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