He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
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just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
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My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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