dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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