Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
