Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
