Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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