I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
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