i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
