Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
