Can Purell be used as lube?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
