DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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