You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
