And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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