This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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