i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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