We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
